Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Wish it Would Stop Gnawing

Since before I could remember, I’ve wanted to be a mother. It seemed my whole
childhood and teenager years were spent yearning for a child of my own. By the
time I was nine, I had names–and color schemes for the nursery–picked out. All
I needed was someone to make them with. But college was disappointing. I went
through a whole string of bad boyfriends and bad father material. Getting on
with my career didn’t seem to help much. I realized, though–when I was
twenty-seven, and there were no suitable prospects on the line–that,
technically, I did not need a man to have a child with. Just a very particular
product of his. I found a sperm donor bank, chose the best prospect they had,
got out my turkey baster and… well… hoped for the best.

I was overjoyed when my first pregnancy test came out positive. My doctor was
surprised to see me coming in sooner than he’d expected. Before I was four
weeks along, I had the nursery painted, and the furniture set up. Toys and
diapers, bottles and books, bibs and coveralls. I had everything a new mother
would need.

I couldn’t explain all the weight I was losing. I kept getting
thinner–everything except for my belly. My friends all joked that it had to be
at least twins. Or the biggest baby they’d ever seen.

I got weary of the kicking somewhere in the third trimester. And the scratching.

Just one more week until my due date.

I just wish it would stop gnawing.

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